Weird are the ways of the used motorcycle market. The local dealer had a B reg VF500 for sale at £2750! He'd practically forced me to take a test ride. Very impressive it was, too. But at that price no way. He'd take £2200 for cash with no part exchange. Dealers are very annoying in this respect, adding 20% on the prices of bike so they can give an excessive trade-in value on some old hack. At £1500 I might've gone for it, but I received a very nasty reply when I suggested this amount.
In the next day's Free Advertiser what should appear but another VF500. Same year, roughly the same mileage at around 25000. But only eight hundred notes! I went down that night to have a look, expecting some old hack but finding a fine looking bike. The engine sounded like it had a few nuts and bolts twirling around inside it.
It wasn't worth trying to ride it in that state as it'd lead to terminal engine damage. I was most annoyed to come all that way to find a motor on the way out. The guy was still keen to sell and didn't want to let me get away. I told him it'd cost a grand to buy a decent engine, so the bike wasn't worth much even though it had newish tyres, pads and chain. After a bit of a tussle we agreed on four hundred notes.
The next day those kind men at the AA delivered the bike after I 'broke down' outside the old owner's house. Step one, remove all cycle parts in the way. Step two, remove engine. Step three strip engine. Er, major hassle with the head bolts being knackered slowed me down. Chisel and hammer blues. Okay, hold breath, take off cam covers. Cry! Yes, the Honda had wrecked all four of its camshafts.
Honda vee-fours have a bit of a reputation for this sort of thing and I'd half expected it. My mates reckoned the best deal was to plan a midnight raid on the dealers, swap motors and leave everything looking innocent. This devious plot, conceived by one of our gang whose elder brother spent his youth doing that trick with VW Beetle motors, was foiled by some fool buying the VF!
Breakers were visited who told me good cams were as rare as working GS rectifiers. One offered me £300 to £500 for the VF as it was, so I had a fall back position. Another friend reckoned the answer was to have the cams welded up and reground but before I had to enter the arcane world of backstreet precision engineers, an engine out of a stolen/recovered bike was offered for £450. Only problem was that the crank was knocking. The breaker was disgusted at the Honda's weakness, let me have the two top ends of the vee-four for a reasonable £150.
Armed with the special tool for valve adjustments, the far from useful comments of various friends who'd gathered to see me make a fool of myself and a couple of crates of beer, the engine was reassembled and installed within a weekend. This heroic deed lasted for about five minutes when a loose but live wire sent showers of spark all over the chassis. Whilst I was running for the door, having already spilt half a gallon of fuel over the engine, one of the other guys nonchalantly switched off the ignition key. If they hadn't all been so pissed it could've proved embarrassing!
The great moment came. Hit the starter button and pray. The motor burped for a while, then suddenly there was 5000 revs of vee-four howl ricochetting around the stone walls of the garage. We all cheered, leapt up and down in celebration. Five minutes later there was a hammering on the door, a neighbour screaming about it being two o'clock in the morning. When I switched the mill off every dog within half a mile, or so, was barking away like they'd all gone berserk. I was not the most popular guy in the street after that.
My happiness was short-lived. The engine would start, run and even blip into the red in neutral, but once out on the road there was a lot of surging and a disinclination to run at a constant throttle opening. Vee-four engines are famed for their easy running, low end torque and smoothness, but my engine lacked all these attributes. Caned above 6000 revs it was tolerable but as my commuting route was through heavy traffic this wasn't really viable if I wanted to reach my 30th birthday!
I feared the electronics were going down but I was told when they go everything goes completely dead. The carbs seemed the most obvious cause for concern. Could be gummed up from the bike not being used for a while, maybe affecting the midrange jets. There was some horrible brown gunge over the internals, probably from the additives they put in unleaded petrol. I tried various solvents and polishes but the stuff wouldn't shift.
Fifty quid bought a full set of carbs that took about two hours to fit as I'd forgotten where everything went. You could call me stupid, but if you did to my face I'd clout you! The motor was reluctant to start, due to a throttle cable snagged half open. After that was fixed it started within seconds, the exhaust sounding more urgent than before.
The open road beckoned in the form of the nearest dual carriageway. Rock on! The motor ran superbly, stability was as good as a ton of lead and handling was spot on! Whee! Over 70 horses, a svelte shape (at least to my eyes) and only 420lbs to shift. Gave stunning acceleration and up to 140mph on the clock. All my mates, who spent so much time poking fun at my choice of machinery, would have to think again. After speed testing came a blast down country lanes. Made me think I was a real hero.
The next day the horrible Honda refused to start. I could hear it firing on some cylinders but it wouldn't catch. One of the exhaust header clamps was loose, I must've forgotten to tighten it properly. That done, she churned into life and I had to make up time to get to work in time. Some big bikes just don't make it in town but as long as I made allowance for a limited steering lock, the VF would hustle away, on either one or two wheels. I ended up arriving at work early!
The next day the VF wouldn't start. I couldn't take that! This time the problem was more elusive and I had to grab the pushbike. I arrived an hour late for work. In the evening I deduced that there were no sparks on one cylinder. I tried a spare coil. Bingo! A nice fat spark. No, the coil hadn't blown, there was a loose connector under the tank. I suppose you get that kind of thing after the major disturbance of a rebuild.
For the next two weeks loads of fun was had. It really is a brilliant bike, with a desirable mix of low end torque and wild top end power. Good handling, an easy steering feel and a comfy perch meant I had nothing to worry about except burning off all the other vehicles. The only intrusion on smooth progress was a gearbox that tried to imitate a cement mixer and a drive chain that wanted to be reincarnated in a chainsaw. I usually left the bike in third, abusing the clutch when necessary.
I knew my time was up when the rev counter shot to 12000 revs and the banshee exhaust wail blew my eardrums away. Nope, the clutch hadn't burnt out, the gearbox had turned into one big neutral. Engine strip time again. A bent pin in the selector mechanism was the primary cause, probably the result of the stress of dealing with gears that looked like they had been attacked by a big hammer. This must be rare as there were a couple of sets of gears and selectors in the breakers. Mine for thirty notes, how could I refuse?
Back on the road, after another late night spanner and beer session, the VF had a gearchange so slow and heavy that it was surely worthy of a Panther big thumper. I had to wear my heaviest boots in the heat of summer. I went back to caning the engine and clutch in third gear.
That fun and games lasted for all of three weeks before the top end starting rattling. Was it just the valve clearances settling in? They were out but only because the cam lobes were wearing out fast. I tightened up the valve clearances, rode to the dealers who'd given me the original test ride and demanded an offer. The bike looked as near immaculate as a used bike can get and sounded okay (but would rattle again within ten miles). He offered £750, I laughed and demanded twice that. Ended up with £1200. That was okay!
L.R.