Loose Lines [Issue 39, Nov/Dec '92]

I was in a Kawasaki dealers, the other day, whom also sell Triumphs. I actually went there to look the newest Triumph over, hoping that I might see something more alluring in the flesh than the images portrayed by the various flash photographers in the glossy comics. It occurred to me whilst there to ask the cost of a set of disc pads, as the single front disc of my Kawasaki occasionally clanged and rattled when riding off the brake.

Expecting to have to stomp up seven to eight quid I was a bit shocked to hear the obnoxious salesman demand double my worst estimate. My face must have shown my incredulity for he hastily threw in a lecture on the importance of replacing brake pads, something so obvious that he really needed a kick between the legs to help remove some of the condescension. As there was a wooden barrier between us, he was twice my size and I had motorcycle boots on that would not aid a rapid departure (although the steel toe-caps would’ve stopped the hick from inflicting any offspring on the world), I merely destroyed his thesis by pointing out that it would encourage people to change pads more regularly if they were more reasonably priced.

It is typical of the hypocritical twaddle peddled by the motorcycle industry. They are the first to applaud when governments, say, limit exhaust noise and then want us all to buy motorcycles with quick rust exhausts (which when rotten annoy upright citizens who demand ever quieter bikes) when the additional cost of making them out of stainless at source would be minimal and when their bike prices are so bloody high that hardly anyone can afford to buy them, and even if the whole machine was gold plated it would not be sufficient recompense for their rip off prices and diabolical running costs.

Swinging arm and mono-shock bearings without any means, other than a time consuming strip down, of greasing them, fork stanchions that pit as soon as so much as a rumour of an English winter arrives (pity those with trendy upside down forks as they are even more exposed to the elements chucked off the front wheel and can’t be covered in gaiters), chains that pour off about ten times the amount of oil they retain in a feeble effort to keep themselves in sufficient lubrication and that require the whole back end stripped off to replace (and damn those suppliers who sell chains that wear out two, three times as fast as the OEM stuff), tyres that not only lose their miraculous grip when there's still 4mm of tread left but turn the chassis into an evil twitcher just to make sure the rider is forced to hand over hundreds of pounds every few thousands of miles...

Oh, I could go on and on and on but I don’t want to put off those readers who don’t own bikes and have just picked this rag up off the dentist’s table, or whatever; suffice it to say, that these problems are worst at the high tech, race replica end but not entirely missing from some 12hp learners, so appallingly, ridiculously, outrageously and stupidly have Japanese, British and Wop designers set about things. Americans, by the way, are only capable of producing antiques like Harleys which have some antiquated virtues as well as vices.

What really irks me is that when you have a go at some sap behind a dealer’s counter they become morally outraged that you dare question what the manufacturers see fit to hand out... the really weird part is that no-one seems to be making huge amounts of money out of the ridiculous prices that are charged, apart, perhaps, from the government which cops something like 36% in tax on every new Japanese bike sold (import duty, car tax and VAT), which if nothing else is a jolly good reason to buy a secondhand bike privately.

I assumed that the dealer was just being his usual barely competent self, but when I rang up the mail order merchants the cost of a set of pads was about £2 cheaper but there was postage at £1.25 and a huge delay whilst the cheque was cleared and the goods were despatched. These aren’t even original components which come out at something stupid like thirty notes. The local breaker had a nearly new pair for a fiver, which my next door neighbour was quick to point out was more than he had to pay for a brand new set for his car.

This neighbour is also quick to point out that his diesel engined mammoth averages around 50mpg and is suitably nonplussed when | mention the kind of ridiculous economy that modern motorcycles achieve (a misappropriate word if ever there was one, but that’s nothing new in this column).

It came to me in a flash, the solution, that is, to the lack of economy of modern motorcycles and would solve the whole vehicle licence fraud (ridiculously huge cars paying the same as Minis and bikes paying as much as half as cars). Simply reform the tax system, preferably on a European scale, to relate it to a vehicle economy - and to be fair, apply the same system to HGVs.

Start with 150mpg plus, which goes for free. Then 100-150mpg, say a tenner a year. 75-100mpg would be a hundred notes; 50-75mpg would be £200; 40-50mpg £300, 30-40mpg £400, 25-30mpg £500, 20-25mpg £700, 15-20mpg £850 and anything worse £1000 a year. I pick these figures out of the air, and some kind of scaling would need to be applied to older vehicles to take into account their inability to meet modern targets and the manufacturers would need a couple of years warning to sort their act out, but as I see absolutely no reason why any properly designed motorcycle should average less than 100mpg we could all save money in the long term, in many more ways than one. 

Whatever, this would give the motorcycle manufacturers the kick up the arse they need to sort out their act. They would not just have to design more economical motors, they would have to massage the whole chassis to decrease frictional losses in things like tyres and chains, in turn improving the life of these consumables.

But back to harsh reality. More by luck than judgement, I replaced the pads at the optimal moment, they were about 10 miles away from going down to the metal - there is a wear indicator, but this had gone off the scale and I never was sure where the scale started in the first place... the pads were so far gone that it was impossible to check them unless you stripped the caliper off and I hadn’t the time to do that unless it was unquestionably necessary.

The rear brake is a drum and only about a third down, so in buying only one set of pads in 10,000 miles I suppose I should have nothing really to complain about. I can tell you, though, I felt it was such a rip-off that I dumped any ideas I was harbouring about trading in for a bigger bike. With three discs that wear out their pads in 5000 miles I would be forced to ride with the pads down through the metal just out of principle.

There's the nub of the matter - there’s absolutely no point equipping a machine with the latest in discs and tyres if no-one can afford to replace them when they are worn out. What was exemplary in behaviour becomes as sick in competence as a 1969 Honda CB750.

The bum boys (in many cases a literal as well as generally derogatory slur) in the glossies rave more and more about the virtues of the latest race reptile whilst the poor old rider, after the initial euphoria of the first few thousand miles, is faced with the kind of consumable bill that would finance the average UMG's readers purchase of a usable machine.

Now that these race replicas are reaching the used market in large numbers, the temptation is high to grab a piece of the action, for they are generally tough in engine and grin inducing in speed. This very column has gone out of its way to annoy regular readers by pointing out their virtues. And there are always the breakers, who will produce nearly new bits while the machines are in their prime, but for this hoodlum they seem to involve an excess of hassle and expense that I can well do without... I mean, for the average yearly expenditure on a modern superbike I can lounge around in Bangkok for a couple of months.

Bill Fowler