Excerpts from the inauguration of Universal Motorcycle Group (UMg) somewhere in the American bad-lands...
‘Get out of here, boy, we’re waiting for Phil Bowler. The garbage’s outside.’
'Er...'
‘Hey, you English? Jesus, you guys are fucking eccentric. What's with the clothes?’
‘Actually, a possible sideline for you. Urban warfare being what it is, let you blend in perfectly with the ruined American city-scape. Make you almost invisible to the muggers and miscreants. Knock them out in the Far East for next to nothing...’
‘We don't want any foreign shit, boy. Mexico’s the name of the game around here.’
‘Well, we can sort that out later.’
‘Hell, son, we ought to sort you out first. Surprised you got past security dressed like that. The hair and teeth will have to go, as well. And that complexion, don’t you get any sun in the UK?’
‘I thought...’
‘You leave the thinking to us son, we'll soon sort you out.’
‘| though we were here to talk about the UMg, y’know - motorcycles?’
‘Yes, yes, but we've got to get the image right first! We expected you to have a beard, at the very least. And some brawn, know what I mean?’
‘| thought it was the idea, the concept...’
‘Loadsa ideas, all over the place. The concept’s good but that doesn’t matter. It’s all presentation. You get the image right, buddy, you're on a roll.’
‘Well, the flexibility of the design means it can easily be sold as a custom or sportster. The fact that the engine has perfect balance and is yet a big vertical twin means...
‘Look, don’t go all technical on me. I’m talking about your image not the fucking motorcycle’s!’
‘Well, I don’t do press interviews. They're all vampires, y'know.’
‘Don’t do interviews! That’s un-American! You need sorting out, boy. This is the real world with millions of dollars on the line. I've planned a massive press campaign to get things rolling.’
‘But the bikes don’t exist in the flesh yet, they’re only in my computer.’
‘We don’t need the cycle to float the company just the idea of it. Our technical experts were well impressed and that’s all that matters. What we need is credibility in the marketplace and that’s where your image comes in.’
‘But what about testing and development, there's always the possibility it might not work...’
‘Don’t say that! Don’t even think it! You talk like that in front of the TV cameras and the whole thing will collapse around our feet. We could be sued!’
At this point in the proceedings a large, pot-bellied, bearded biker type staggered into the room with a highly agitated expression on his face.
‘Now this is more like it, a real biker, I could do something with him?
‘It’s all my idea, it’s all my idea.’
‘What idea’s that, then?’
‘Well, I don’t know which one but I thought of it first.”
‘How do you work that out.’
‘You can’t have all the original ideas, I want one too.’
‘Hell, you limeys sure are weird. Look, we could use this guy up front. He’s got the right image.’
‘But he’s a complete arsehole.’
‘Yes, yes, but he looks right. With him I could pull ten thousand Harley riders in the first year. That straggly hair, the beard, the gut... it's perfect. | bet he’d blow them away in the interviews. Look how well he comes off lying and shouting. I’m almost convinced you are some kind of imposter.’
‘Yes, but I've got the concept registered with my lawyer, one of your lot who will sue at the drop of the hat.’
‘Calm down, calm down. Perhaps it might backfire. You, porky, got some kind of prison record? No? Probably haven't caught up with you yet. Leave your card at reception and I'll see if I can find you something. I like to see some front.’
‘Can we talk about the motorcycle, now?’
‘Will you stop going on about motorcycles, you some kind of obsessive? The stylists and marketing people will sort all that out.’
‘But I know what will sell, that’s the whole point of the design.’
‘Are you some kind of madman? We've got market research, you can’t run a major corporation by the seat of your pants.’
‘Why not?’
‘Why not! Jeeze, you've got a lot to learn.’
‘Maybe I ought just sell the design outright and leave you to it.’
‘I don’t like the sound of that. You sure you haven't got something to hide?’
‘I just don’t like all this corporate shit. It’s a waste of time and energy.’
‘Waste of time and energy! Hell, boy, you some kind of communist? This is America, you're either a team player or you're out. | think I'll have to check back with the board. We're got major image and communications problems here.’
‘Where’s the nearest bar, then?
Bill Fowler