So what did I find? Loads of plastic rocketships, Harley Davidsons that say Kawasaki or Yamaha on the tank, and high prices. Things had changed a bit. Any bike that I liked the look of seemed to be called a cruiser or a retro.
The nearest and dearest at first ignored all hints about bikes, until one day I was informed that I was ‘not having a bike and that's that.' Yes, progress at last! I decided my total budget was £2000 (available credit on the Visa), and that I would prefer a newish bike to a classic, (I want to ride it, not restore it!) and up to 600cc, at least to start off with.
Here are some of the bikes I found in dealers. Kawasaki Zephyr 550, 93/L, 30K on MPH clock, £1900. Good looking bike, apart from no shaft drive. Import from France (No, I won't buy the apples). The dealer said he had the original kph clock showing only 12000 kilometres, it had paperwork showing that it been exported in June 97, but had only been registered in the UK in September 1998. The fork's oil seals were shot, the oil level window was full of sludge so I couldn't see if any lube was in there, and the engine sounded very noisy below 2000 rpm.
Honda Silverwing, 81/W, 30K on mph clock, £1250. It was a standard CX500 with a Rickman fairing and the whole thing had been sprayed with silver/aluminium paint. I could even see the original transfers on the tank, under the new paint. Nice to see a dealer with a sense of humour!
Kawasaki Zephyr 550, 92/K, 17K on kph clock, £1750. Nice condition, sounded good, oil level window clean, Motad exhaust. However, there was what looked like chewing gum at the bottom of the barrels...
Kawasaki Zephyr 550, 95/N, 18K on mph clock, £2500. Reasonable condition, but it had been thrown up the road on both sides. Dealer chap confided that the lady concerned had already thrown her new bike down the road.
Honda CB750, 91/J, 18,000 on mph clock, £1850. Looked like a Zephyr at first glance. Bike had been dropped, the tank was dented and the handlebars had been replaced. Dealer wanted rid of it and would accept £1750 for cash.
Zephyr 550, Red, 91/J, 6K on mph clock, £1850. Good condition, original exhaust and tyres, engine sounded OK, new rear shocks. All previous MOT certificates, three previous keepers, including one lady owner, but I don't hold that against the bike. The brake lever was bent forward, and both the right front indicator lens and the end of the exhaust were scratched. Got a swelling in my credit card, but forced myself to leave.
Next day, wife wanted to go to B&Q so I take her, along with No. 1 son (8), there via the dealers. Son is impressed, wife isn't, but agrees to have a look around anyway, but ‘you're still not having one, etc.’ She likes one of the new Triumphs, at just under £7000. I tell her that the bike I like is the cheapest one in the shop.
She points to a space-age scooter thing for £1400... Very funny! I show her the Zephyr and she says that ‘at least it looks like a proper motorbike, but you're still...’ No. 1 son also finds a small Yamaha PW50 for himself and asks if he can have it, if it costs less than £20, as he has £12 already. He asks the salesman the price and is informed that it costs £925.
His little face really fell at this news, but the dealer still wouldn't knock £900 off the price. Mean bastards, aren't they? He looked so miserable that I swear the wife briefly considered letting him have a motorbike instead of me! Finally get permission (well I think I did, bit of a grey area really) from my nearest and dearest to have a bike.
Back to the dealers and prepare to haggle. 'So why is this bike so cheap then?' (Good start, eh!). Finally negotiate a free helmet, the bike will have a full service, 12 months MOT, 2 months warranty and the brake lever replaced. I also booked a 2 hour refresher training course for £40. Well, if I am going to fall off as soon as I throw leg over a bike again, it might as well be on one theirs!
The first hour was on a Honda 125. Finally managed to weave in and out of the cones, with my feet on the rests. Then on to a Kawasaki ER500, a bit more practice in the training area, and then out on to the open road. I was equipped with a radio receiver so I could hear the instructor. 'Don't forget the life-saver, take the next turn left, no the other left, now turn the indicators off, no push the button for off, keep the back brake on while stationary, select first gear ready to go, right let's speed up to 30...’
Speed up to 30mph? I thought we were doing 70! No, only 20, with a car right on my number plate. Very worthwhile course for anyone returning to motorcycling. One week later | paid the balance and it was all mine. Spent £120 on gloves, waterproofs and boots in the accessories dept. The dealer delivered it on Friday, and I bought the road tax on Monday.
The weather was awful Monday, so I waited until Tuesday before attempting the maiden voyage. Before the assembled family, and a few odd stray kids, I proudly emerged in full riding gear, threw my leg over the beast and prepared to go forth. Would it start, like hell it would. Bloody thing, it quickly flattened the battery, with only the odd misfire from the exhaust to show for my efforts.
Borrowed battery charger and bought distilled water (battery almost dry) and tried again Wednesday. Still no luck, so I decided it must be a female! I dismantled and cleaned the HT leads, but didn't have a spark plug spanner to check the plugs. Drained the carbs, the petrol looked clean. It didn't seem to matter what position the side stand switch was in, and the kill-switch stopped the starter motor working.
However, this gave me a chance to really inspect the bike. Found some paint spray on top of the cam covers, and the petrol tank had a small area of slightly darker paint. The plastic rear mudguard had been trimmed and had a large crack in it under the seat, and the RHS engine cover (where the ignition hides) also had a crack in it. Also noticed how quickly engine oil goes black, considering it had just been changed by the dealer!
Phoned dealer on Thursday morning, and it was collected during the day. It was Saturday before I could get to the dealers. New spark plugs had been fitted, (full service, eh?), and I got the blame for flooding it. Did 24 miles on first tour of the Wirral on Sunday before I felt a thump. The rear mudguard had broken in two and one indicator was being destroyed by the back wheel. Good job I had put a small tool kit under the seat, including insulation tape.
09:00 Monday I was at the door of the dealer again. Small argument later and they again agreed to collect the bike and repair it. Took another two weeks to get the Kawa back (just in time to put it away for the winter). New rear mudguard had been fitted plus new clutch cable (it was very frayed), the old indicator refitted, but repaired (glued!), and the tool kit missing. After another complaint, I was presented with new, genuine, Kawasaki tool kit from the workshop.
So what's it like to ride? Feels light and nimble, even on the original tyres, although replacements would make a big difference. It out-accelerates most cars in the traffic light Grand Prix, and stops well (thank you to the bus driver for the first emergency stop). Boy does it feel good to be back in the saddle, although I am concentrating too much to yet have the permanently welded grin.
On the downside, the front folks feel too soft and too low, I don't like how it turns into slow speed corners, the rear end too hard, too many tingles through the handlebars, tickover a bit erratic, and I can hear a tapping when cold. Looks like it will be a busy winter.
Dear Santa, Kawasaki ZR550 Manual, 5L engine oil, oil filter, fork oil seals, fork oil, Scottoiler, rear tyre, fender extender, engine bars, and RHS engine cover, please. Oh, and a bunch of flowers for the wife. Ta, Mr. Claus.
Anon.