Enough of the heavy irony [that'll be sarcasm actually - 2021 Ed.], you lucky bastard, I hear you mutter. Well, those readers who have just puked up in envious disgust will be pleased to know that there was a downside, which I'll come to a little later. The official review will by now have long appeared in the national press. Here is a brief report on our tour together with a few alternative thoughts on these bikes, which readers may like to bear in mind when the '89 models have depreciated sufficiently to be within reach of mere mortals or they win the pools.
The four of use took off one fine August morning and headed north from Shit City (as I believe London is fondly referred to in these pages) up the M11. The intention was to tour Scotland, where we'd put the bikes through their paces, swapping machines every 100 miles or so and compare notes. At the end of the tour, Mr Tester would have all the gen for his article. As we are all hitched and over 30, with one exception, I was expecting a fairly sedate fling, particularly as one of our party was a semi-retired motorcyclist, and I myself am a relatively green, born again biker.
Sedate would not have been the most appropriate adjective to describe our activities over the week. It requires remarkable self control to keep these brutes at speeds which are legal in the UK. Having said that, they feel very safe even at silly speeds. The performance is exhilarating and nothing on four wheels can touch you. In fact, after a few days of high speed biking, your perception of what are safe speeds shifts to the point where normal traffic seems to crawl along. 30mph Volvos are to all intents and purposes stationary (until they move into your path - Ed). Needless to say, this state of mind can be dangerous.
We picked up the A1 north of Cambridge, filtering past the worst of the August traffic jams. We hit Yorkshire in the evening, spending the first night in the Dales. We were starting to get the hang of the bikes and had some fun the next day, heading up through Cumbria on the way to Glasgow. From our base north of Glasgow, we went across and down to Kintyre. On the way to Mull we passed through a town where a Pepsi RGV250 was strategically parked.
The lad who owned it must keep an eye out for passing bikers because he came after us spoiling for a race. We had pulled off the road to find out where we were - he went flying past, came back, gave us directions and then raced us down the road. He won. Only because he knew the road, of course, although a hot 250 was more suited to the twisty stuff than a litre superbike, though I wouldn't fancy touring on one!
Then north. Loch Ness: wet and full of tourists. Glen Coe: wet but breathtaking. Fort William: wet and boring, but notable for a greasy cafe waiter who claimed to have seen every gig in every country performed by Jean Michel Jarre (who? - Ed). Inverness: a lovely town with a ridiculous one-way system, where we stayed with a very nice B & B owner, who helped us try to track down a tyre for the Suzuki.
From Inverness we headed up into the Highlands where on one memorable occasion we were buzzed by an RAF Phantom. After a couple of supersonic passes he waggled his wings and flew on, about 200 feet above ground level. Obviously a fellow motorcyclist when not terrorising the deer. We saw some lovely scenery when the weather permitted and achieved impressive speeds on deserted roads. Which brings me nicely to the next part of my story.
Let me introduce you to Karl. He's a gentle Austrian of 22 who used to ride a Transalp and currently a BMW R80GS which he doesn't like. He’s a nice boy who wouldn't say boo to a goose. But beneath Kari’s angelic Teutonic features lurks a demon speed junkie. In particular, he loves to overtake at unlikely moments and at spectacular speeds whilst you're concentrating on keeping your own bike set up for the next bend. His personal best was 165mph on the Yamaha, on a road in Scotland which shall remain nameless. Unfortunately, I was the next one to ride the Yamaha - you can imagine my dismay to see that the back tyre had started to melt. Gosh, perhaps they’re only rated at 15O0mph.
Well, there had to be some problems with this scam. Yes, indeed. For a start we didn’t get paid, which isn’t on, is it? No, that wasn’t a serious complaint. I did get soaked several times, in spite of my brand new Frank Thomas waterproof oversuit ruined leathers and wet willy were the result. The Suzuki got a flat somewhere north of Inverness and had to be ferried home by the RAC. The tyres are fairly exotic and we couldn't find a replacement. The return journey was much less fun, four up on three bikes in the wet.
The Kawasaki fell over (very gently from rest, minimal damage) and I got stung with a bill for £824! Needless to say, this has been the subject of some discussion. Interestingly, the Honda took a much heavier fall at a cost of twenty smackers. The Honda CBR1000 was very probably the best all rounder, but without the wrap-around aluminium frames of the others it flexes a bit and can wallow in the bends (relatively speaking). Best finished bike with superior controls.
The ZX-10 feels very safe, and is the best motorway bike. Good anchors, flat spot and vibes at low revs, but liveable. The engine makes a beautiful howl when it gets going. Expensive to repair! The Yamaha FZR1000 EXUP is definitely more of a racer. Ridiculous amount of grunt means less gear work than the Kawasaki and Honda. Feels small, hardly bigger than my own YPVS but goes a whole lot faster. Redlining through the gears is impossible unless you are Austrian and called Karl. Handles like a dream in the twisties and then takes off like mad on the straights. Finish is fairly poor.
The Suzuki GSXR1100K is, in my view, a real dog, despite an impressive oil cooled, well proven engine. Perhaps it wasn’t set up right but it felt like it wanted to lie down in the bends. I also developed an. ailment referred to as Suzuki Balls, due to the uncompromising riding position and poorly shaped tank. Not a bike for that guy in Viz comic who has unfeasibly large testicles. Maybe that’s an idea for the next strip: Buster Gonad and the GSX Suzuki. Gives new meaning to the term balls out racer.
So, what's the bottom line on these bikes? For me, it has to be that they are brilliant fun, handle well and have great brakes and tyres. Also, only bikes of this size and mass are stable enough to allow confident motorway riding in very wet and gusty conditions. Having said that, the other side of the coin is that they are unrealistically priced, far too heavy for day to day use and grossly overpowered for most of Britain's roads. Maintenance costs would put me off too.
To be perfectly frank, I get just as much pleasure from my own YPVS which is far more chuckable and only half as frightening when you give it a wristful. As well as being a more practical proposition, it is also a fraction of the cost to insure and run.
However, if money was no object, or if one of these machines came up for grabs a few years down. the line at a halfway reasonable price, I could just be tempted...
R. Kelsall