25 Great Bodges

With the massive expense involved in running most modern bikes, it's sometimes necessary to resort to short-cuts. These are often well dodgy, and only for the desperate, but they have to be better than being off the road. The UMG can take no responsibility for their effectiveness...

Chains can be kept going by removing links. By the time they are this worn they will probably be full of tight spots which can be worked out by soaking in oil or spraying with WD40, then working the links back and forth between two pliers or Mole grips. Soaking in Linklyfe will help. Chains with links removed will ruin the sprockets (but they'll probably already be wrecked anyway) and will eventually snap, taking out either the back of the crankcases or your leg (wear boots) [If you consider this to be an acceptable risk, then I would respectfully suggest that you are a fucking idiot. Just buy a cheap chain already - 2022 Ed.]. If you're buying a bike, check for tight spots in the chain, which combined with adjusters with lots of movement left shows that the rider’s a cunning bugger.

Engine breathers on modern machines are often vented into the airbox, where they do no amount of harm to induction efficiency. Redirect them on to the top run of the drive chain, where the drip feed of lube should prolong its life; especially neat where full chain enclosure’s employed. There shouldn't be great gobs of oil or heavy fumes out of the breather, at most a mild mist; anything else means the engine’s already on the way out.

Silencers often rot before the rest of the exhaust system, especially if the bike's used in town excessively when condensation forms. An amazingly effective repair to a crack that runs almost all the way around the circumference of a silencer consists of an old beer can (or any container made out of thick tin - I often use an old biscuit tin) and two Jubilee clips. Cut the can into a flat strip that can be wrapped around the silencer and hold in place with the clips. Spray the whole thing matt black and it'll hardly be noticeable. Gun-Gum, used in holes in silencers, tends to fall out but will last long enough for the MOT [Good luck with that... IME it falls out before you've even reached the test centre - 2022 Ed.]. Welding holes works better, but if the silencer's far gone then it may dissolve when the welding torch’s pointed at it. Universal megaphones are still sold (‘for track use’), can be bolted on to the end of most down-pipes and are not unduly noisy (often not affecting the carburation). If you can afford it, go for the stainless steel variant as the normal ones rust within six months. It’s also possible to mix and match silencers from breakers (about a fiver upwards). When buying a motorcycle give the silencer a good kick to see if it falls off.

The bolts holding the exhaust clamps on to the cylinder head will often snap off when trying to undo them as they become heat corroded, leaving the stud flush with the head. An easy repair is to drill a smaller hole in the remnant of the stud and tap to take a smaller bolt: Don’t try gorilla force on this repair as it'll probably snap off or strip. The same kind of repair can be employed on other snapped bolts as long as it's not attaching an important structural component.

On smaller screws, usually in the engine when the alloy strips, a useful bodge is to oil the screw very lightly, cover in Araldite (not the fast setting type, though) and screw in lightly after cleaning out the thread with a bit of rag. As long as there's a bit of thread left the Araldite will bond to the alloy, if left overnight, producing a new thread. The oil on the screw will let it come undone, but it's probably better not to use this bodge where the screw has to come out often, nor where it’s going to cause problems if it falls out. Use helicoils if the screw has an important purpose.

Araldite really is wonderful stuff, the best epoxy resin around as long as you're willing to wait 24 hours for it to set properly. The rapid setting variety doesn’t have the same kind of strength. Other uses include bonding pieces of broken fairing, repairing minor brackets and gluing leads back into rectifiers etc.

Superglue’s much overrated, and doesn’t work at all well on some surfaces. However, in minor spills where the bits of indicators or clocks can be collected, Superglue can be used to bond them back together. Done properly, you have to look very closely to see the join. Be aware that you can also bond your hand to the broken component! Other uses for Superglue include gluing small cracks in plastic bodywork, repairing tears in seats and cracks in plastic reflectors,

Plastic Metal's popular for filling in holes in the crankcases (often from a broken chain) but sometimes falls out, emptying the sump of oil! Use as a temporary repair only and don't try to sell a bike with such a bodge without telling the new owner, not unless you want his possible death (from a seized engine hence back wheel) on your conscience. Plastic Metal's also been used for filling small splits in leaking petrol tanks (again temporarily), hiding cracks in frames (very nasty) and silencer repairs (doesn't last long).

Alloy welding offers a more permanent fix to engine holes and cracks. There are a couple of fusion welding kits on the market that let you get away with using a blowtorch. A bit of practice's needed to avoid wrecking the engine but the repair’s as strong as the original aluminium.

Bodywork, seat bases and mudguards, among others, can be repaired using GRP kits (available from Halfords and most car accessory stores). Useful, also, for strengthening after-market fairings which are so thin that they often crack around the mounting brackets. GRP is pretty messy stuff that can stink out the average house; best to work in the garage or open. It’s also possible to produce small pieces of bodywork using GRP on top of cardboard moulds, although usually an awful lot of work’s needed to clean up the finished masterpiece; more useful for desperate street rats than exotic race replicas. The fumes given off by GRP as it sets can also be a bit noxious.

One of the nastiest aspects of low rent motorcycles is the way they disintegrate over a typical British winter. If the bike’s stored away spray WD40 over the engine, wheels and exhaust; it protects as well as penetrates (also hit suspension linkages if you can’t be bothered with proper lubrication). Better still, used Scientific Coatings’ protective liquid on both alloy and paint (though not the bits that get hot). All the grime and grit just washes off and it lasts for years, making it much easier to sell the bike later.

One of the cheapest bodging materials is old inner tubing - never throw this away. Easily cut, moulded or glued, ideal for extra rubber mounting of batteries, electronic components, Silencer brackets (at the frame end, please) and lights.

Silicone or the cheaper mastic sealant has a number of uses, can even be pumped into handlebar ends to help damp out vibration. Also used for sealing coils, electronic boxes, back lights on to mudguards and air filter boxes.

Electronics are a perennial problem on old bikes, not least the rectifier and regulator. Both can cheaply be replaced by components from car accessory stores (less than a tenner the pair), although as they are designed for use inside the car alternator some extra work's needed. The wiring’s fairly obvious if you look closely at the circuit diagram but such a bodge won't work on bikes with field alternators (such as the Yam XS650).

A simpler if more expensive and potentially dodgy solution’s to use second-hand Superdream rectifier/regulators - they work well in the GS series which are renown for naff electronics. In theory, alternator, regulator and rectifier should be matched to each other but by the time the rectifier's blown the alternator will have burnt out as well and there's not much point putting new crap components in. Make sure, though, when mixing and matching rectifiers that it’s up to the power of the alternator. Rewound alternators are available on an exchange basis by return post for around £35; cheap and reliable.

Some bike suffer from very simple faults that can be fixed for next to nothing. Many bikes that run points ignition blow their condenser, leading to poor or impossible starting, evident by arcing across the points. Bike manufacturers charge silly money for replacements, buy one for less than a quid from a car accessory store (they have their uses, after all). Don’t worry if it’s 12 instead of 6 volts, it'll work fine. If the bike has magneto ignition and the replacement’'s too big, run a couple of wires out of the generator and fix the condenser to the frame (out of the weather).

Another use for a condenser, or capacitor, is to stop lights blowing. When there are voltage surges from a fading rectifier or regulator bulbs blow; place a condenser (at least 18V) in parallel with the light, it'll absorb the excess voltages. If this doesn't work either the vibes are getting at the lights, there’s a loose earth wire or the electrical system is about to fail.

Yet another use for a capacitor is as a replacement for a battery, use at least LEA 24V and 5000pF (about 30mm in diameter and 60mm in length). This won't work on bikes with electronic ignition but with points ignition what it does is phase the alternator output with when the ignition needs power, allowing the bike to be kicked into life. The lights and horn will still work, though idle often stalls the engine. Lucas supplied the system (energy discharge ignition) for many trail bikes and the Commando. Rubber mount the capacitor as it’s susceptible to vibration.

Cheap tyres are available from breakers and dealers often sell Japanese rubber that has been pulled off new bikes in favour of superior European stuff. Tyre dealers sell nearly worn out rubber for as little as a fiver a throw. Use washing-up liquid on the tyre’s bead to ease on the rubber. Avons seem to last longer than most, sometimes at the expense of the grip.

Pitted forks can be repaired by filling the holes with Araldite, smoothing down by hand before it sets, then the next day finishing off with a bit of emery cloth. Grease and add a pair of fork gaiters to protect from further damage. Hard chroming is the only other alternative, expensive but long lasting. If there are any crease marks on the forks then they've been straightened, should be swapped for something better as soon as possible - before they break in two!

Brake calipers always seem to seize after a British winter. Spraying with WD40 every week helps, as does using brake grease during reassembly. Some calipers can be modded so that screwing in a couple of bolts pops them apart, much better than the usual swearing fit. Always use after-market brake pads, they are superior (often eliminating wet weather lag) and cheaper. Ferodo seem the best of the bunch.

Nylon coated cables smooth clutch, brake and throttle action and last longer - cheaper, too, if you buy one of the kits. Cables that break at the handlebar end can sometimes be bodged for a short time by using mole-grips on the end. It looks strange and weird but will get you home. Better still, tape spare cables alongside the existing ones.

Modern liquid gasket can replace normal gaskets (but don't block any oil ways) whilst it’s still possible to buy sheets of gasket material to cut your own. Pattern gaskets are cheaper but check they line up with all the oilways in the engine.

Never be without those essential bodging tools, a large hammer and small chisel. Imperative for removing engine screws that have been solidified in the motor by corrosion. Ideal for hacking away at exhaust brackets and useful for frightening small children. I'm never without mine.