Dealin'

The UMG seems full or readers’ complaints about being ripped off by greedy motorcycle dealers. As a dealer in used motorcycles I can assure readers that such dishonest practices are in the minority. Often, it is the dealer who is subject to malpractice. A number of times I have taken bikes in part exchange that on closer inspection have turned out to be rolling death-traps.

I have the choice of passing the bike along to another dealer at a small loss, doing the work myself at great expense or selling the dog sold as seen just to recover my money. In any dealership time equates to money and the only way to stay in business is not to waste either!

When selling these dubious bikes I have patiently explained the circumstances under which they were acquired. I have gone to great lengths to explain that there is no guarantee with them and that sold as seen means exactly what you'd expect it to bloody well mean. I have spent hours of my valuable time drumming this into spotty Herberts. But they still come back complaining I've ripped them off, when in certain cases I've actually taken a loss on the bike.

One chap had a father who was in the police force. He came around with his distraught son, all puffed up in his uniform, threatening a visit from the CID to check on the provenance of my machines. I pointed out the relevant lines on the receipt and even showed him my books, which indicated I'd already taken a fifty quid loss on the machine. It was like talking to a bloody brick wall. They departed, wheeling the dead Honda CB550 back from whence they came, muttering all kind of retributions about the power of the law, but I never saw them again.

By far the most troublesome bikes are YPVS and RD Yamahas. Even when they come in running well, they never last out the guarantee without something going wrong. From power valves seizing up to shot swinging arm bearings. I always honour my guarantees however much money I have to spend on parts. Of course, the punter still has to pay for labour at twenty quid an hour, so I am able to recover a portion of the cost. I have a couple of young mechanics who I've taught everything I've learnt in the past 25 years in the trade. Which is one hell of a lot.

I've become so pissed off with two stroke Yamahas that I won't sell them any more. I either offer such a low price that the chap goes elsewhere or quickly pass the bike on to another dealer before anything has a chance to go wrong. I always find that either the past owner or the new one, sometimes both, are such complete plonkers that they thrash the poor bike to death and neglect even simple things like checking the oil.

You would not believe the state in which some bikes turn up. Some chains have been seized solid with rust and sprockets have been completely bare of teeth - the owner has the cheek to demand I repair it under the guarantee. Some bloody hope, I can tell you. I have had years of practice of dealing with irate customers and soon put them on the right track. In fact, I get everything in writing, the receipt stating that all normal maintenance is the responsibility of the owner and not covered by the guarantee even if we are doing the regular servicing. You can't leave anything to chance with the wankers around here.

I even had one chap come in after he crashed the bike, demanding I straighten everything out gratis as it was obviously a fault with the motorcycle that had caused him to fall off in the first place. When I asked him to locate the fault he couldn’t, finally muttering something about a broken brake. ”Broken brake,” I almost screamed at him! I pulled on the lever of the front brake, even with twisted forks and bent wheel the brake still worked well enough to let me shake the machine in sheer frustration at this mental retard. I had offered fully comprehensive insurance as part of the purchase package but he had demanded TPFT, and now only had himself to blame as he pushed the badly bent heap to the nearest breaker.

Another popular misconception amongst purchasers of my motorcycles is that even if they run the engine dry of oil I'm supposed to pick up the tab! Fat chance. Some cunning little buggers even claim that the sump plug fell out. Can you believe it? They must think I was born yesterday. I soon take the wind out of their sails by saying my workshop has the technology to spot the difference between an engine gradually starved of oil and one that has suddenly lost all of its lubricant. Of course, I haven't, but it's a good way to spot the liars and cheats.

The other common way of trying to rip me off is bringing in some heap that has been rolled down the road and hastily repaired. I've developed a good eye for out of line cycle parts - I've bloody well had to, I can tell you! I also use a magnet on the tank to check for filler. Of course, the owners all deny any repair work but a few gentle taps with a hammer usually causes the filler to fall out. There's no way anyone would ever get a twisted frame past my eyes!

You see all sorts of characters in this business. Irate customers going berserk when I've refused to repair their machine after they’ve ruined a perfectly good motorcycle by their own neglect. I keep a bit of iron pipe under the desk to restore some order when things get out of hand. One huge chap burst into tears when I refused to refund his money after his GS125 engine blew up under him. I had warned him repeatedly that the machine was way too small for him and that spending three thousand notes on a CBR600 was much more sensible. Would he listen? Like hell!

The other thing that irritates the hell out of me is people who buy bikes from me and then go to another dealer for servicing. There's no way I honour their guarantee when they do that. I feel insulted, as if my wife had married me for my money and gone elsewhere for a shag. I've gone to the huge expense of setting up this wonderful workshop equipped with fully trained - by myself no less - mechanics and just because we charge a bit more for our service, they insist on letting some cut-rate amateur loose on their machines. If anything goes wrong with their bikes after that insult I tell them they can go and claim off their cheap grease monkey!

By far the most unpredictable bikes are old British machines, bless their hearts. I've never, ever given any sort of guarantee with these old heaps... er, classics. I used to do a nice line in British motorcycles, importing them from a mate in the States. Now that everyone has got in on the act, purchase costs are too high and sale prices too low. I off-loaded the last of my stock at the peak of the market, more by accident than any special judgement.

I know some dealers who are sitting on a pile of overpriced junk which they won’t shift until the end of this decade. Quick turnover is the name of the game in the used bike market. In my time, I used to make a couple of thousand a week net profit out of the British stuff, but these days I'm lucky to make over 500 notes a week all told. Yes, indeed, times are hard. My mechanics don’t manage much more than £125 a week but they are young enough to manage on that. I need that kind of money just to run a Merc.

I do have fond memories of my youth in the fifties and sixties, of speeding around on British bikes but I haven't ridden a bike, other than to test them out, for the past two decades. I find the Merc much more comfortable in the often foul weather. Not to mention safer. You wouldn’t believe the number of punters who have killed themselves in the past few years. I do keep a battered old leather in the office just to persuade the punters that I'm really one of boys. You also get as much free coffee as you can drink and loads of hard won advice. I try to be fair to my customers but there’s nothing like someone trying to take advantage of my good nature to get my goat. Can't say fairer than that, can I, chum? 

B.L.R.