After having rebuilt the blown up engine of my VF500 on the driveway with the skilful use of the best quality Chinese spanners I could lay my hands upon, I decided a change in tack was much needed to my miserable existence. No longer did I want to be sticking things with Araldite or using a 4lb hammer every time something went wrong, or even re-cutting the grooves of my rear tyre with a red hot kitchen knife But I needed two things to get out of this sickening lifestyle - a decent income and a non greedy system that would allow a proper human existence.
As neither scenario looked remotely plausible by next weekend, I decided on the reserve option - sell my wrecked VF500 complete with years of misuse and then buy the most modern, fastest bike I could with the pathetic few pounds I had. I was convinced that reliability and running costs were only a minor consideration since nothing could possibly be as unreliable or as expensive to run as the Honda. If this were the case then there would be no more bodging on lonely roads at 2am.
Having only a derisory student grant to survive on and knowing well the infamous engine problems of the Honda CBX550, I decided in my usually hedonistic manner to buy one. And so my life began its steady spiral downwards into the depths of sadness. The irresistibility of testing my mental strength had once again surfaced. Within five minutes of ownership I had tested its top speed along a stretch of busy road and scraped the centrestand around a bend.
For the first few days I felt rather vulnerable without any fairing; it felt distinctly like riding a pushbike, mind you it didn't stop me revving the nuts off the bugger. The previous owner's son cried when I bought the CBX, he would have been a suicide case it he had seen the total abuse savaged on it now. The previous owner had adorned the thing with a top box and fork gaiters, I ripped that crap off and then proceeded to give the CBX its only oil change it has had in my 17500 miles of ownership.
Within 2000 miles of ownership the nearly new rear tyre was below the legal limits, so I ignored it until the canvas reared its ugly head 1000 miles later. With a heavy heart I lashed out and bought a new Metzeler ME77 which lasted less than 2000 miles. Incidentally, I would warn any abuser of Conti rear tyres that they tend to perform a blow-out only 100 miles after the canvas shows, that's 100 miles less than Avons or Metzs, which I regard as a rip off! It was at this point that I realised the bodging ethic would have to come into play since money was running out, the fork seals had gone, the brake pads were now only pads without any brake material and the chain had no more adjustment left in it.
Perhaps before my general neglect had got to grips I should mention my opinion of the bike. The acceleration felt very brisk and the feather light from end would lift its head and would also tend to flutter over rough roads. On one memorable occasion, whilst traversing the straight roads of the fens at 100mph, the bike had what could be described as a fit. It hit a patch of bumpy road. the soft suspension couldn’t cope and began to buck viciously. Meanwhile, the front end had begun its usual trick of tank slapping.
The passing traffic must have thought it was a new NASA derived physical stress tester since my arms were being wrenched from side to side, my backside was being sent a foot into the air whilst my feet were flying around the front forks.
The handling was generally very good, being flickable but at the same time stable in smooth bends, but it was never a match for the VF500. Between 2000 and 5000rpm there was loads of torque, but the Motad meant there was a black hole until 7000 revs when it was all power to 11000rpm. The result was that riding the thing was much like being on a two stroke with a powerband. Overtaking would often require two downchanges and powering out of a bend was often disappointing.
The point is that most CBXs are used by fully dressed old timers as tourers and nearly all have Motads, which seems like a contradiction in terms, but then they probably never go beyond 5000 revs. The bike is an ideal scratcher with its wheelbase being shorter than an RD350, its peaky engine and relatively light weight. The petrol consumption was generally never more than 45mpg, whilst consumables were simpIy consumed but with a vicious appetite.
The front brakes always seemed a bit dodgy, if they weren’t pumped a few times before use it was quite easy to pull the lever back to the bar with minimal effect. I bled the system many times but settled eventually with stuffing two washers between the brake lever and master cylinder. As a point of reference, the front and rear pads are interchangeable. Once I discovered the rear pads never had any material on them they were replaced with the worn out front pads.
Two up, the front wheel found an even greater affinity with the air. Curiously, the bars lost their tendency to shake and handling generally felt more secure. It was at these times the rear suspension needed to be pumped up, although Honda recommend 60psi in the rear I use 75psi two up and 60psi solo, otherwise it would wallow an over the place. The front was best at low psi settings to stop it becoming lively and to stop it blowing front oil seals, which it did with depressing regularity, even though the forks were not pitted. The final solution was to fit two seals with the use of a plastic carrier bag to ensure the fit of the top seal, the flapping bag added a certain flair to the roads of monotone right wing Essex.
The camchain and tensioner have been thankfully quiet on both engines I have had, I think, since on my most recent engine there is such a cacophony going on I wouldn’t be able to tell anyway. One problem I have had a few times is the nice little trick of one of the tappet adjusters coming loose and eventually falling off. This has tended to happen whilst thrashing it, so each time I have been convinced the loud ticking noise was due to me bending a valve. The relief on the first occasion on finding it a mere tappet adjuster that had fallen off and lodged in the head almost led me to giving the bike a wash.
The gearbox was even worse than the typical malevolent Honda effort. A whole new technique of gear-changing was required to ensure the engine didn’t rev into oblivion. If changing from first to second, the foot had to hold the lever in position and then a quick squirt of power applied to ensure it was actually in gear. Worse, the gearbox would sometimes jump out of sixth. As the revs climbed sky high the gear lever thrashed around under my foot as I tried to get it into gear... toe capped boots were useful - you could also, when frustrated, kick the bike or passing dogs.
I don’t know whether it has anything to do with the complete absence of any oil changes or maintenance, but the crankshaft began an ominous knocking sound after 5000 miles (Oooh, let me think now... 2018 Ed.), so I ignored it. A 1000 miles later it was time to buy another engine for £160 from a breaker which was cheap, as two engine mounting points had snapped off. Fitting the engine was much easier than fitting the inlet manifold rubbers which almost produced a suicide victim. There were only three bolts holding the engine in place... there was a lot of clanging and knocking from the clutch area and it’s been suggested that checking the valves or balancing the carbs might help, but in the last 10000 miles I haven't bothered. Naturally, the old oil and air fiIters remained, the air filter appeared to have grown a protective layer of dead flies, leaves and general crud, so being non washable I washed and ruined it.
Within another couple of months the inevitable happened, the bike ended up under a bus. Although the bike had hit a bus at about 40mph and damage looked horrific, £5 for a new brake lever and an aftemoon’s hammering, bending and general use of string had the bike going again. Amazingly, the frame hadn’t bent, unluckily other parts didn't fare as well. The rev counter fell off, the tank could only hold half its original capacity, the light pointed in an odd direction, and so on. The crash bars certainly saved the engine even though one snapped as a result.
By the time the whole instrument pod fell off my enthusiasm had wilted to an historic low, not helped by oil leaks that refused to be cured by silicone gasket liquid. Then the chain snapped, riveted back together with the aid of a nearby rock, it has lasted for 5000 miles, although the front sprocket is missing three teeth and the gearbox doesn't work in sixth. The fuel gauge needle now does the can-can, the headlamp bulb blows at least nine times a year (for seven miles along the M80 I had no front lights), it needs a litre of oil every 400 miles and the vibes make the already useless C90 mirror faintly amusing.
It passed the MOT but the tester gave me a long list of faults I hadn't even thought of! As it nears the time where no amount of insulation tape will hold the thing together I am awaiting the moment the bike breaks down on a bleak night with relish, then, and only then, will I be able to pull off my greatest victory - I'll dump it. Until that time if you hear sad moaning and yelping, stop and think, it could be some thankless bastard instead of next door's cat.
Anon