It all started with this old hack MZ 150. Came right out of the Dark Ages, much modded along the way. A lot of the ironwork stripped away, the electrics were just a few ignition wires! No lights or horn. It ran, or rather rattled and smoked; maxed out at exactly 42mph! On one level, a horrible old thing; on another a wonderful introduction to the joys of motorcycling for an unemployable youth of 17. Riding a ratty MZ whilst under the influence of E and ten pints of cider, gave a whole new meaning to civil unrest! Amazingly, I was never arrested. Some people have all the luck!
I was absolutely determined to make the old stroker single do 50mph! The steepest hill in Hampshire was chosen, but the moment the speedo crept beyond 42mph the engine seized up. The locked up back wheel did wonders for my constipation. I recalled reading that under such conditions you should hit the clutch lever. There was a large explosion, the bike bounded forward! The chain had snapped, a terminal velocity of 49mph was reached in freewheel mode, before I reckoned some braking was needed.
The SLS drums responded to brute force with maximum fade, speed declined to about 25mph before a sharp left-hander had to be taken. Despite having a history that included writing off several cars, the old hack still stumbled around bends in a reasonable manner. At least when the engine was connected to the back wheel... I'm sure some of you technical types could discourse at length on the effects of freewheeling on handling but all I know is that progress was a series of weird lurches that further soiled my underwear.
I soon grew into the belief that riding a motorcycle whilst high on various illegal substances was a quick way to an early grave. Given the choice between drugs and bikes I still had enough brain cells left to opt for the latter! Actually, all my mates concluded I was the mad nutter but as I've outlived at least half of them (and I'm only 23!) I think I made the right choice. The 150 was replaced by a mongrel MZ 250, made up from several crashed bikes, the engine was off an ex-racer. This probably wasn't insurable but as I never bothered to apply for a motorcycle licence in the first place that need hardly concern us, right?
The bike was a bit of a street sleeper. Looked like it had spent the night in a dustbin (as did I). But it put out an awful lot of power, as well as a banshee wail. Poor old Superdream owners didn't know what had hit them and I made one CBR600 rider fall off when he tried to follow me through a narrow traffic gap. OK, as the engine maxed out, the pegs threatened to twirl off with the vibes despite the sophisticated engine mounting system (it wasn't designed to work two thousand revs beyond the red line). And the smokescreen effectively made me invisible to helicopters and other police detection systems. Well handy... er, apart from having the lungs of a sixty year-old.
Top speed depended entirely on conditions and the length of the road. A long, flat road without any wind, the bike would do 95mph, maybe 97mph. A steep hill and following gale, would push it to 104/5mph, at the price of various bits falling off and the handling going to pot - I blame the GPz305 front end upsetting the geometry, though I had no complaints about the twin discs. Well, I had plenty about the quick corrode calipers but that's so par for the course on old hacks that it hardly bears mentioning, does it? Spares were plentiful and cheap in breakers - for the brakes and the rest of the heap, er, interesting classic-in-the-making.
Many fun times were had on the 250, took about 6000 miles before the gearbox and main bearings simultaneously disintegrated. Sounds bad, but as it had electronic ignition the only maintenance I'd done was the oil, and right up to the end it could still roll Superdreams every which way! Fuel was around 40mpg, oil consumption horrendous and the rest of the consumables cost next to nowt. A plain 250 engine was thrown in but it wasn't a good one and the bike was sold for what it had cost.
The replacement was an ancient TS250 but one that had been rebuilt to a reasonable standard and even sported the sublimely attractive Sport petrol tank! This was slow by the standards of the ex-racer, and even more vibratory, but it managed 65-70mpg for most of the time and would still break through the 80mph barrier. Electronic ignition, new gearbox and main bearings, meant it was set up for some serious mileage.
The only problem I had was with other MZ owners. They all seemed to be old codgers who didn't know if they should be shocked or outraged to find an ex-drug addict amongst their number. The psychedelic paint job perfectly matched my own hair but didn't seem to endear the bike to their numbers. One old guy, who looked about a hundred, took me to one side and suggested I might be better off on a Vespa. Never been so insulted in my whole life! So I had to cross various MZ rallies off my calendar! No great loss.
Racing with old Jap 250s was a favourite pastime but they have become increasingly rare on the road, their built in obsolescence losing out to the MZ's infinitely rebuildable nature - you see really ancient MZ's still polluting the landscape. Don't know about the ones built in Turkey, at least they still mean there will be plenty of parts around. Modem replicas are easy to tease and it's possible to mess up their riders by taking a psychopathic stance against oncoming traffic - the MZ's very narrow and tough, tends to write off whatever it hits! The low purchase cost and ease of rebuild means I have no worries about running the bike through the most dire conditions.
I must admit that I've bought my first big bike. Yep, you guessed it, a meaty Ural combo with machine gun mounts. An amazing mechanical contraption that had a fanatical engineer as a first owner, he kind enough to upgrade the bike to vaguely modern specs - ie the engine bearings last for tens of thousands rather than thousands of miles and the electrics are somewhat ahead of what you might expect of a Puch Maxi (and don't ask how I know). But that's another daft story.
The MZ - any MZ, in fact - is still so useful that I ride it more than I do the Urinal. No big compliment, I suppose, but even if I bought something modem, the MZ would still win through for winter work and daily commuting. Comfort, cheapness and sheer utility - it's got it all.
I was absolutely determined to make the old stroker single do 50mph! The steepest hill in Hampshire was chosen, but the moment the speedo crept beyond 42mph the engine seized up. The locked up back wheel did wonders for my constipation. I recalled reading that under such conditions you should hit the clutch lever. There was a large explosion, the bike bounded forward! The chain had snapped, a terminal velocity of 49mph was reached in freewheel mode, before I reckoned some braking was needed.
The SLS drums responded to brute force with maximum fade, speed declined to about 25mph before a sharp left-hander had to be taken. Despite having a history that included writing off several cars, the old hack still stumbled around bends in a reasonable manner. At least when the engine was connected to the back wheel... I'm sure some of you technical types could discourse at length on the effects of freewheeling on handling but all I know is that progress was a series of weird lurches that further soiled my underwear.
I soon grew into the belief that riding a motorcycle whilst high on various illegal substances was a quick way to an early grave. Given the choice between drugs and bikes I still had enough brain cells left to opt for the latter! Actually, all my mates concluded I was the mad nutter but as I've outlived at least half of them (and I'm only 23!) I think I made the right choice. The 150 was replaced by a mongrel MZ 250, made up from several crashed bikes, the engine was off an ex-racer. This probably wasn't insurable but as I never bothered to apply for a motorcycle licence in the first place that need hardly concern us, right?
The bike was a bit of a street sleeper. Looked like it had spent the night in a dustbin (as did I). But it put out an awful lot of power, as well as a banshee wail. Poor old Superdream owners didn't know what had hit them and I made one CBR600 rider fall off when he tried to follow me through a narrow traffic gap. OK, as the engine maxed out, the pegs threatened to twirl off with the vibes despite the sophisticated engine mounting system (it wasn't designed to work two thousand revs beyond the red line). And the smokescreen effectively made me invisible to helicopters and other police detection systems. Well handy... er, apart from having the lungs of a sixty year-old.
Top speed depended entirely on conditions and the length of the road. A long, flat road without any wind, the bike would do 95mph, maybe 97mph. A steep hill and following gale, would push it to 104/5mph, at the price of various bits falling off and the handling going to pot - I blame the GPz305 front end upsetting the geometry, though I had no complaints about the twin discs. Well, I had plenty about the quick corrode calipers but that's so par for the course on old hacks that it hardly bears mentioning, does it? Spares were plentiful and cheap in breakers - for the brakes and the rest of the heap, er, interesting classic-in-the-making.
Many fun times were had on the 250, took about 6000 miles before the gearbox and main bearings simultaneously disintegrated. Sounds bad, but as it had electronic ignition the only maintenance I'd done was the oil, and right up to the end it could still roll Superdreams every which way! Fuel was around 40mpg, oil consumption horrendous and the rest of the consumables cost next to nowt. A plain 250 engine was thrown in but it wasn't a good one and the bike was sold for what it had cost.
The replacement was an ancient TS250 but one that had been rebuilt to a reasonable standard and even sported the sublimely attractive Sport petrol tank! This was slow by the standards of the ex-racer, and even more vibratory, but it managed 65-70mpg for most of the time and would still break through the 80mph barrier. Electronic ignition, new gearbox and main bearings, meant it was set up for some serious mileage.
The only problem I had was with other MZ owners. They all seemed to be old codgers who didn't know if they should be shocked or outraged to find an ex-drug addict amongst their number. The psychedelic paint job perfectly matched my own hair but didn't seem to endear the bike to their numbers. One old guy, who looked about a hundred, took me to one side and suggested I might be better off on a Vespa. Never been so insulted in my whole life! So I had to cross various MZ rallies off my calendar! No great loss.
Racing with old Jap 250s was a favourite pastime but they have become increasingly rare on the road, their built in obsolescence losing out to the MZ's infinitely rebuildable nature - you see really ancient MZ's still polluting the landscape. Don't know about the ones built in Turkey, at least they still mean there will be plenty of parts around. Modem replicas are easy to tease and it's possible to mess up their riders by taking a psychopathic stance against oncoming traffic - the MZ's very narrow and tough, tends to write off whatever it hits! The low purchase cost and ease of rebuild means I have no worries about running the bike through the most dire conditions.
I must admit that I've bought my first big bike. Yep, you guessed it, a meaty Ural combo with machine gun mounts. An amazing mechanical contraption that had a fanatical engineer as a first owner, he kind enough to upgrade the bike to vaguely modern specs - ie the engine bearings last for tens of thousands rather than thousands of miles and the electrics are somewhat ahead of what you might expect of a Puch Maxi (and don't ask how I know). But that's another daft story.
The MZ - any MZ, in fact - is still so useful that I ride it more than I do the Urinal. No big compliment, I suppose, but even if I bought something modem, the MZ would still win through for winter work and daily commuting. Comfort, cheapness and sheer utility - it's got it all.
Colin Chambers