Loose Lines [Issue 80, July 1997]

Some of the glossy magazines are teetering on the brink of oblivion, may even have gone down by the time you read this. Unfortunately, they are the ones that fail to devote all their pages to the race replica scene. This is a failing that the UMG gleefully shares, and suffers the same marginal, fast disappearing readership. Even the sales of classic bike mags are falling off from the highs of the late seventies and early eighties. The nearer any magazine is to demise the more it will protest that all’s well!

Basically, if you want to make money out of motorcycle magazine publishing, write about race replicas, preferably in the context of massive glossiness, and don't take the piss out of the riders by mentioning their extreme discomfort, silly lack of economy, poor basic design and total uselessness in riding all year round. Don't try to imitate the UMG, all you'll get is a pile of bills and sacks full of hate mail.

Not that I’m complaining. Well, I am but it’s not your fault, dear reader(s). I don’t know if the punters are blindly following all the hype and lies in the glossies or the magazines are just a reflection of the market. Following an obvious trend, reinforcing blind acceptance of dubious technology. If a bike wails down the road on one wheel with enough acceleration to cause black-outs it must be good, mustn't it?

Well, yes and no. If you want to buy a bike in the same context as you would a jet-ski or speedboat as a pure piece of recreational kit to be used as and when the conditions allow - then these replicas are all very fine. Leading edge technology and all the rest of it.
 
But as serious motorcycles they are, alas, a complete waste of space. Oddly and disturbingly, more and more I’m going back to a stance I took in the early seventies. The ultimate machine was a Jap engine in a European chassis - at that time the XS650, with its ultra tough engine and dangerous chassis (don’t write to tell me it ain't because I almost came off mine during a 90mph speed wobble) was the prime bit of meat in desperate search of a decent chassis (I favoured an A65). This would have given Jap reliability with British handling and frugality.

These days, the XS650 is no more (though the silly SR400/500 lives on!). The only Jap engine that has any appeal right now is the 800 Intruder’s (or VX800’s), with both chassis not much use for serious riding. But that large V-twin with its gobs of torque and cast iron reliability absolutely cries out for a proper chassis and its slimness means I'd get away with narrow bars and a svelte fairing. Oh, the temptation!

But then there’s all the hassle. Remembering how to weld and constructing a frame (easy enough to design, though) and finding the patience to lay down the GRP for the fairing, tank and panels. It’s all in my mind, and bits of it on paper, but getting it all together’s almost impossible with UMG deadlines, young women and actual motorcycle riding taking up too much of my time. The other thing, the chassis would be a useful test bed for my big 1500cc twin design (also still on paper and in my computer, alas).

But what else can you do? The market’s so skewed from reality and full of ill-conceived machinery it isn’t worth the hassle. Alas, there’s absolutely nothing that the fading numbers of real bikers can do about this except finding another way of amusing themselves. Anyone for powered hand-gliding?

Bill Fowler